If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
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[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
🤣🤣
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.