Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

getting old is fun

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

Got him!

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys