If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
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My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it