If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
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Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Stop
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”