If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
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Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
same bro
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk