If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
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[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.