If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Bit chilly again tonight.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*