If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
The sacred texts.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.