If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
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*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.