If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
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Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My plans: 2020:
In banana years, I am bread.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I…do not understand how electricity works.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here