If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
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Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
me when i see my girls butt
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Lmao
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
#DesignFail
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.