If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
wait.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”