If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.