If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.