If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
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my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
A classic…
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work