If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
No. He’s not coming out to play
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.