If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses