“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
this is how life feels
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.