if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
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me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?