If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine