If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I feel attacked.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Inside you there are two wolves
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.