If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!