If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
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My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox