@PaulyPeligroso

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

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@RobDenBleyker

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

@Kyle_Raney

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

@squirrel74wkgn

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

POOF![ponytail appears]

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

@aceofsquares

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

@Wine_Charmer

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

@UNDEADTRESOR

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

@SCbchbum

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”