I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”