If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
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Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Netflix and awkward silence?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.