If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
You had me at “define legal”.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.