If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
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my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*