If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
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They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*