@MrLloydSpandex A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
@STOTLE If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
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@MrLloydSpandex 
@jess_stratton Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
@juanadog Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
@scot7a I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
@ehdannyboy FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
@LoveNLunchmeat Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
@longwall26 That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
@rockymomax [in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
@SheMightHave Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
@MelvinofYork I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.