If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

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A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.


Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…


I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks


FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.


Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”


That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.


[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa


Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.


I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.