If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
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I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Cat.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
HR said no more nunchucks.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING