If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
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I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
God has abandoned us.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing