If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
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No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.