If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.


You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.


“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus


I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.


Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”


I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.


My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain


Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.


THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What