If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.