If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Batman v Dracula
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?