if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
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[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again