If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
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White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
The Friday File.