If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them