If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768