Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.