If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.