Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

Can’t. About to go please some beans

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.