If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
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My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter