If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough