If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?