If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
broke down and did it
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.