If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
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My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
The best plant holders?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭