@Dawn_M_
@_elvishpresley_ *friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
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@_elvishpresley_ 
@LlamaInaTux Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
@TheAlexNevil Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
@SondraDeeMe ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
@green_eyed_doll It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
@XplodingUnicorn 6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
@Brentweets I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
@IDontSpeakWhine Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
@cuntyfruitbats Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
@ceejoyner Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.