If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
You Might Also Like
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
For those that worship cheese..
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.