If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
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[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: Whatâs the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, youâre cooking too loud and I canât hear the TV
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
who wants to go expliring
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: iâll let you no.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I canât imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: âAll right, hereâs your motherâ
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
đđ Happy Saturday folks âď¸âď¸
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
You know youâve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, âTake the thing off the thing,â and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. đ
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please donât touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorryâŚI had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.