If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
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God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
If you know, you know
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.