Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
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You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower