If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
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turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
The struggle is real
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
welcome back
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “