If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
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Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝