If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
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How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
😎 🍻
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.