If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
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‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
called in thicc to work this morning
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.