If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse