@YSylon

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

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@OwensDamien

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

@BriarSlyMalice

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

@dorsalstream

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

@maebemarbles

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

@alisonforns

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

@MoistPork

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

@ginnyhogan_

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me